August 1, 2011 | Consistency, Fears, How To?, Making Friends, Our Mistakes, Difficulty and Challenges
Momentum. The lack of it can kill a relationship quickly. A romantic relationship would never get off the ground if the two of you went out for a date, then ended the evening saying "That was fun... we should do it again next month."
When it comes to love, we clear our calendar for possibility. And yet for friendship it somehow seems normal to only see each other every couple of weeks or months? We schedule her several weeks out, even if for him we'd make it 2 days later. The irony being that the women you meet for friendship have a higher likelihood of actually being in your life longer than most of the men you date.
We understand momentum clearly in romance. But why not for friendship? Is it for lack of prioritizing our female friends as important? Is it because we need the assertiveness of the testosterone to initiate? Is it because we don't know how?
Why We Lack Momentum
My guess is that it is partly due to priority and partly due to fear.
The priority part is easy to see. We are inundated with wanting to be chosen by a romantic partner our entire lives. We will give up almost anything for "love." We think there is someone out there who will complete us. We are accused often of neglecting our friends once we start dating or get married.
But the other part is fear, I think. Almost every hesitation in our lives can be linked to our fear of being rejected in some way, a fear of not being totally loved and accepted. No one wants to feel embarrassed in any way. Therefore, we erroneously think that to have time/desire to meet you again next week might somehow communicate that I'm desperate, lonely, needy, or unimportant?
Oddly enough, if a guy were were interested enough to see us next week again-- we'd be flattered. But we're unwilling to give that same gift to a platonic friend. We don't want to appear more interested than they seem to be.
Interest Is Contagious
But here's the honest truth: we like people who like us.
With romantic dating, we know how to flirt and show interest.
With friend dating, we all too often show up with a reserve that says "Prove that you're interesting first." We put up our guard until they appear valuable to us. And if they mirror the same wait-and-watch attitude, then momentum rarely happens. We feel judged because we're judging.
What would happen if you showed up without fear? If your self worth weren't attached to how a stranger responded, or didn't? If you could show up-- give love, interest, compassion and kindness before they "earned" it? We all want the other person to be that way, but few of us are willing to be it first. Remember the golden rule.
How You Can Contribute to Momentum
If you're in the GirlFriendCircles.com community, receiving invitations to ConnectingCircles, one easy way to contribute to momentum is simply to RSVP immediately. You would all completely laugh if you saw how many customer service emails Maci receives from women waiting to see if anyone else is going to RSVP to an event before they do. Imagine a bunch of women all waiting for 1-2 others to sign up before they feel safe doing so-- and it getting cancelled because none of them actually took that risk. (And what's the real risk anyhow? You're in a community where the only people who can see it is other women who are also signed up to meet new friends!)
The worst case scenario? You sign up and no one else can-- the event gets canceled. But that isn't a reflection on you-- except that it shows you're confident, and willing to actually put a wee bit of action behind your intention for meeting new people.
And the best case scenario is well worth the risk of the worst case, in my opinion. For what usually happens is that as soon as a local event has 1-2 women signed up... the rest of it fills up. And now, because you started the momentum-- 5 or 6 women have the chance of starting a friendship.
This plays out true whether we're talking about ConnectingCircles or any other events. Be the initiator! Don't attach your ego to it.... write again, invite for a different date, follow-up.
Our friend dating doesn't have to look like our romantic dating where we schedule something every 2-3 days for several weeks... but can't we at least give 20% of that same energy and intention to people who actually have a higher probability of being in our lives a year from now?
Give the gift of momentum to one of your friendships. What you crave is a meaningful and comfortable friendship. Put in the momentum to get there!
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